Shifting focus.

I wake up to an aching jaw and realize I've been clenching my teeth in my sleep again. Generally not a good sign because it usually means one of two things: I'm either stressed or angry. Considering that I have completed all of my work for this term and I am struggling to find ways to fill up my days, I am not stressed. After reflecting over this I think I've come to realize why I'm having such a difficult time sharing.

Since the arrival of another volunteer, my focus has shifted away from my projects, possible things I could do, and all the ways in which I am growing and changing and what I'm experiencing to a focus on: there is an invader in my space. (And yes, none of this is her fault I realize that. She didn't choose to come to a site with another volunteer, just like I didn't ask another volunteer to come.) So, my previous experiences as a volunteer has been focused on me, my learners, projects, contemplating life, getting excited about reuniting with other Peace Corps Volunteers when we have those chances, etc. And now it's about whether I have to share my class room, answering questions, avoiding being perceived as a racist (spending too much time with the only other white person can do that), frustration with her age, figuring out how to live in the same space in a civil way, and this entirely new interaction that I wasn't prepared for. I guess I am having trouble articulating this as properly as I had hoped. It's just a huge change in focus. I wish I could just block her out of my vision and carry on like before. Next year I have a few projects in mind that I would like to start now that I'm finally more comfortable in this new place....but is she going to be present? Is she going to want a say in them and want to help facilitate? She is much more interested in spending time with other volunteers and feels more isolated than I do. I'm not interested in spending time with her. I'm interested in spending time with Namibians and my learners on my own. (And when I do spend time with other volunteers, it's those rare occasions when members of the beloved Dirty 30 can come together.) She always seems to have to ask me what I'm doing and where I'm going. Is it always necessary for her to know? I know this may seem rude or childish, but I don't always want her in my business.

Ups and Downs

Term 3 is winding down. I have only three days left of actual teaching. Tomorrow is our school's prize giving ceremony, which has basically taken up all of the classes this week with teachers preparing certificates and prizes instead of teaching classes. Because of course you can't do any of that preparation in the afternoon after school is out. But I am glad for the ceremony. Actually rewarding kids for their acheivements is not always very common here.

While for the majority of the term I was a little ball of anger, I think I finally got that out of me and feel more relaxed, less stressed, and just relieved for the term to be over. An invasion of space has been my biggest struggle this term. I wasn't exactly prepared to share my school, or my house, with another volunteer. I'm not entirely sure that a school needs two volunteers, especially when my goal for my work here at this school mostly involves making this school less dependent upon volunteers. Being the third Peace Corps volunteer at this school and seeing that some members of the staff still don't know how to turn on a computer is kind of disheartening. I understand computers can be hard to use if you've never used one in your life...but it's one button. One. Turn it on by yourself please.

So here I was. Enjoying my privacy. My space. And being the only volunteer. And in walks a fresh out of high school girl who needs my fridge, my stove, my shower, my dishes, my pots and pans, my classroom, and my village friends (or...friend really...this village is pretty tiny) who I spent time getting to know on my own. I was just not in a place to want to be any kind of mentor or friend ready to support someone who has moved away from home for the first time. If I wanted to be a new volunteer mentor I would have signed up to do that with my own organization. I think also having no say in the fact that this volunteer was here and going to be in my classroom also got on my nerves.

Luckily, I think things have smoothed out a bit. She finally has more work at school to do and so spends less time in my class. I've also gotten less snappy with her. And it's almost December holiday which certainly has brightened my spirits.

The unfortunate happenings lately: While I'm becoming more and more cheerful this term, the school staff seems to be more and more comfortable doing horrific things in front of me. Naturally I've adjusted to things that shocked me when I first arrived in country, but I will never adjust to corporal punishment. When teachers do it in front of me I freeze. And when they leave I have to go compose myself. A teacher walks in to my classroom the moment before I start teaching. Marches up to a boy of about 12, and starts shoving him, pulling him out of his chair by his ears, pushing him back into his chair, clapping him across the face, punching him. She yells damn it! and storms out of the room. Poor Mbavazamba starts crying and his classmates comfort him while I take a moment to go cry outside. I get all worked up, and I'm ready to make an announcement about corporal punishment in the morning briefing...and that teacher is absent. It'll have to wait for another day...

Another afternoon a young girl is crying. A boy in a grade above her beat her. Naturally the punishment should be a staff member whipping him with a piece of garden hose, slapping him across the face, and allowing the young girl to do the same.

Not okay.

Fortunately I feel more comfortable with my staff, and before the end of the year (as in the beginning of next week), this issue will be discussed with the entire staff. And my goal is to hold an alternative to corporal punishment workshop with the teachers next year.